I haven’t been procrastinating, I promise. Honestly, I think the last few months I’ve felt very lost. I’ve felt like what I’m writing is informative but not necessarily honest, and I thrive on honesty. Especially with something so powerful as just fucking loving yourself. If I can’t be honest, how can you trust I’m trying my hardest to break barriers and all that good stuff? So…
I HAD TO PUT THINGS DOWN FOR A BIT AND FOCUS ON THE INNER BATTLE RATHER THAN THE OUTER.
I want to talk about ‘trying’.
Lets pretend I’m you for a second.
You’ve gotten to a point in your life when you feel like no matter how hard you try, nothing is going to budge. Suddenly, you get this sick feeling in the pit of your stomach, you have a hard time getting going in the morning, nothing feels quite right, and you feel like you are constantly being harassed. You feel like you haven’t stopped. Then, when you finally DO stop you look around and nothing has changed. Absolutely nothing has happened.
IT’S AS IF YOUR LIFE IS AT A STAND STILL.
This isn’t trying. It feels like trying. It feels like you’re working so god damn hard and yet everything is against you and MAYBE just MAYBE none of this was meant to be and all you were suppose to do is hope that on a Friday night you can have a glass of wine (a pint of beer) with your friends and call it a week.
I think during these times you are mentally working through something in your life that you haven’t put a name too yet. That you haven’t yet admitted you’re facing. So, your brain and body allows you to go about your day and work hard to make all ends meet but ultimately nothing is budging in the physical plan. It’s all happening inwardly.
When you get out the other end, you look around and say “well, fuck all has happened… what do I do now?”
I don’t know if you’ll be able to put a name to it. I don’t know what you’ll discover because this is your journey. Not mine. BUT what you can do is decide what to do next, I’ll tell you now that it’s not easy.
You’ve been trying in all the wrong areas and that is SO easy because, like I said, nothing happens.
You don’t fail. You don’t get hurt. You don’t let other people down. You don’t become the version of success you (or someone else) thinks is important and suddenly have to be perfect all the time. You don’t do anything and so nothing happens.
Have I said that enough yet?
IT IS SO SAFE TO HAVE NOTHING HAPPEN.
But, can you breath?
Now, let’s go back to pretending I’m me for a second. Enough about you, AMMA RIGHT?
In 2015 I explored a variety of new avenues, experienced things I never thought I’d experience and never had any intention to really explore. Nothing stuck, I would only get so far and move on to the next. All were wonderful avenues and completely honorable ways to spend my time, however, I found myself at a dead end in December with nothing to show for it.
January came (because, of course, I wasn’t going to do anything while it was holiday and family time). I took a step back from EVERYTHING, literally EVERYTHING.
I stopped blogging, I stopped taking freelance gigs, I stopped teaching yoga, I stopped performing, and most of all I stopped writing.
I sat down with my journal and I wrote everything that came into my head. What was bothering me, why I was in Los Angeles, why I had been doing what I had been doing, why I stopped doing what I loved doing, and what all of this meant to me.
Now, after 4 months of full on facing myself, I’ve found 4 things to be helpful in clearing up whatever the fuck was going on last year.
1) Establishing (or re-establishing) what the RIGHT areas are.
I was trying a ton of shit, and in the midst of doing that I got good and enjoyed A LOT of it. It was misleading, I would spend months doing it being like “Yeah, this is totally my new jam. Fuck everything else.”
But, something wasn’t right. It didn’t work.
So, removing EVERYTHING from the picture and purely focusing on what I could realistically see myself doing. For me, I had to re-establish from old things I used to love doing, for you it might be different.
It was refreshing to do it. I literally just worked at my restaurant and did everything and anything under the sun that would inspire me, that used to make me happy. I hiked, I went to the beaches, and I played way too many games.
2) Figuring out what was stopping me.
Was it money? Location? Happiness? Fear? Was it really what I was doing that was making me uneasy, or was it something else completely?
Mine was fear and a picture of what I thought my life SHOULD be like. Once I threw that out the window I became much freer. I’m still scared shitless, of both failure and success, but at least now I know what it is and I am kicking it up the ass.
Also, examining what was stopping me was key to figuring out the next step in my process.
3) Deciding what I wanted to do about it.
Now I knew what I wanted to do. I had re-established some of my roots, PLUS I had figured out what was stopping me. It was time to decide what the hell I wanted to do about all of it. What would make me happiest, what I needed in this moment to accomplish where I wanted to go, and how I would go about doing it. Which leads too…
4) Taking action.
How am I going to do this. What I’ve accepted is I can’t plan SHIT. Yeah, you can sign up for a year program and know that for a year that is happening. You can even say you’re going to move or that in July you’re going to Greece (which I totally am btw). But, ultimately, you must accept that plans change and that it’s OKAY. So, for the rest of the year I’ve got a rough outline of what I expect to happen.
And that’s it.
Finally, it’s okay to not really know what you want. It’s okay to not know why you suddenly went M.I.A. in your own life. It’s okay to also want NEW things. The first thing that really helps stop this ‘trying but nothing happens’ thing is recognizing it.
That’s only when change can take place.
And recognize, that although you tried and nothing happened that was tangible – a lot of shit was going on in the inside of you. That, in and of itself, may have saved you many future headaches and heartaches.
I’m coming from a history of OVER PLANNING, so for those who don’t over plan – you may find this too wishy-washy. However, on that note: what do you do? COMMENT BELOW WITH YOUR THOUGHTS!