At the beginning of this month I posted the challenge that I was going to focus on. My adventure for the month, (The name of the game is vulnerability…).
It turns out, vulnerability is fucking hard man.
I have had one of the most daring, fun, and eye-opening months this year. Hell, this past 2 years. All with varying degree’s of risk-taking-vulnerability and adventures. Since a lot of my focus this month was on my own reactions to these adventures, it was really eye opening to allow myself to experience something and then come away and experience myself.
Basically, I started paying attention to what my gut response was and WHY I would do things. Whether it was me turning away from something, facing it head on, or doing that wonderfully awkward thing where I spout all the words in the world and hope for the best.
Because that always goes well.
I’m just going to dive right in –
I opened and closed a staged reading of a new musical called ‘Monaco’ with 48 Hours Theater Inc.
I auditioned on a whim. Ready to prove LA right, that it had nothing for me. It didn’t have the community I was seeking and most of all it didn’t have the theatre I wanted to create. I got cast as one of the three leading ladies, opposite a variety of wonderful talents, including the entire production and creative staff.
They proved me wrong. Like, real hard.
Last week, I sat opposite the Artistic Director of the company. We were having coffee and taking the time to finally ‘get-to-know-each-other’, when I realized. Every single reason I had declared I was leaving LA, every thing it had shown me in the past year was just one side of it. And everything else, that I thought I could only get else where, that I thought I could only get in New York City.
It was sitting right in front of me talking passionately about a theatre company and a life here.
I love to travel. Since I was 18 years old I have had suitcases by my side with the ability to move at a moments notice. Every place I went, I was preparing to leave. I never felt anywhere was just right, nothing ever really hit home. Even home started to feel like an outside world I didn’t know anymore. So, when I got tired or bored… or didn’t really know what to do next, I moved.
It has worked out pretty well for me so far. I’ve discovered some amazing communities, I’ve created some relieving art, and I’ve lived in some amazing cities.
But, I’ve never stayed in one place and this year I really wanted too.
So, I’m going too for a bit longer. I’m calling LA home and I’m going to invest energy in actually making it feel like one. I’m genuinely excited about this. For real.
Now for the stuff that every single British part of me despises talking about in a public forum.
The following will be vague as I overcome this stereotype, but also… some things you just have to keep private.
I’m horrible with emotions.
When I talk about emotions in this next bit I’m referring specifically to romantic feels. Like when you like someone. You know, with the wink wink and the nudge nudge?
Emotions and me are the best of friends and the worst of friends.
OH, I love the feels. I love crying. I could re-watch Pride and Prejudice all day, dreaming about my Mr. Darcy. But legit emotions with people who’re cool and interested in ME? Yeah, I spaz out and decide that everyone is my friend. The end. Then no one gets hurt and I just get to know a lot of really awesome fucking people.
Plus, I get to skip the whole vulnerability phase.
Pretty good plan, right?
What did I discover this month? Well, let me tell you.
I discovered that I can be awkward, romantic, cute, funny, insane, and intelligent all in the span of one day and one conversation. It’s human. This isn’t abnormal. This is human. Experiencing all the things. Some people show it more then others, some people share it more then others.
What I’ve discovered this month is. No matter what you do, at the end of the day, all you CAN do is be yourself.
And as we’ve established, I love myself and the whole thing is a work in progress.
Other shit I said I would do this month.
Daily body scans.
Earlier in the year I was experiencing a lot of anxiety. Honestly, most of it has subsided – at least the intense outbursts I was experiencing have. The daily body scans this month were aimed to help me stop these outbursts at the source, before it overwhelmed me. They were meant to help me take time and notice how I felt every day, whether or not I felt out of control or in control.
What I’ve decided is, these daily body scans are a wonderful tool.
I’m inherently in control of my life, and with the body scans in lieu of focusing on vulnerability all month, I realized something.
I’m going to repeat. I’m inherently in control of my body, my food, my exercise, and my mind. When I get out of control I know how to stream line myself to get both feet on the ground once again and function in a pretty chill manner.
Vulnerability though? How can you control that? Simply…
So, this was a wonderfully put together experiment because it broke both sides of my boundaries and made me really just stand here and be like…
WTF alright, I guess this is happening now.
And allowing it to happen. Allowing myself to be out of control, to regain control, and then have no idea where I wanted to go and BE OKAY WITH THAT. Because ultimately everything is going to be fine.
My words of wisdom. Everything is going to be fine.
Thank you, June. This has been a helluva month. Believe me when I say, I can not WAIT for JULY.
JUNE MONTHLY ADVENTURE IS OUT. *drop the mic*
What was your MONTHLY adventure? Let me know in the COMMENTS below!