Self Love

When all you can do is sit in the uncomfortable and hope for the best.

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I don’t share enough. I come across as an emotionally available, confident, and put together person – when in reality I am emotionally disconnected. I busy myself with work, theatre, concerts, movies, friend hang outs, yoga, running, cooking, nutrition lectures, late night hang outs, etc; etc; etc;…

Anything to keep my mind off of and out of the uncomfortable feelings.

It used to be “I’m not okay.” The uncomfortable, that is. Now, I’m not really sure what it is but goddamn it, I plan on sitting through them until I figure it out. Or they disappear… which ever comes first.

What does it mean to SIT in the UNCOMFORTABLE?

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First, it’s okay to NOT be okay. That took me a while to wrap my head around. The idea of serial happiness overtook me for a good amount of my twenties, where I felt if I wasn’t happy then there was something wrong with me. So, for a long while I would just pretend. I would pile my schedule with thing after thing after thing, attempting to feel like I was accomplishing something, and that my tiredness and fatigue came from my inability to stand still.

Not from me burying shit I was too afraid to face.

This consistent and busy life followed me up until about 2 years ago. When I pulled myself out of a very convincing hole of serial happiness and realized I had been ignoring a vital part of my life, a part of my life that needed immediate attention.

I was not okay with not being okay.

But I decided to embrace the fact that in certain areas of my life I wasn’t and… well, that was okay and I was okay with that being okay with the fact that I wasn’t okay. Okay?

What I’m saying is, it was time for me to love the parts of my life that, I well.. loved and figure out the shit that I didn’t. I paired my schedule down to the essential, I put a few things on the shelf, and I started taking more time for myself. All so I could, without the distraction of a busy mind or schedule, really look at what I needed essentially to be happy.

Embracing all parts of myself. The joy, love, fear, hate, passion, sexuality, innocence, naivety, excitement, etc; etc; without running away from any of it.

Sitting with love is just as hard as sitting with fear, and sometimes it’s easier to choose fear. I think it’s because with fear you can’t loose anything, with love you can loose everything. Fear gives nothing, whereas love…well, it gives everything. I want to live for everything, even if I have the potential of loosing it all.

I still have moments where I’ll be sitting there and suddenly this overwhelming feeling will overtake me and all I can think is –

GET OUT GET OUT! ABORT! WHERE ARE YOU NOW. HELP! ABORT!

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I’ll pick up my phone to text anyone and everyone to make myself feel a little less overwhelmed. To make it so I don’t have to sit with the uncomfortable.

But, I’m learning. Now, I can stop myself before I go down that wonderful spiral of burying the shit and moving on.

First, I breath.

Yeah, cliche. I know. You hear it all the time, the first moment of heightened emotions and whether it’s in your head or your friend/partner/boss/coworker/human is standing beside you; the first words that’ll come to mind or leave their mouth is, ‘breath’.

But, have you noticed that it works every fucking time? So… do it, just breath.

Second, I do nothing.

Yup. It feels so good to take action, but it feels even better to do jack shit. In essence, what this does is gives me time and space to just sit with whatever I’m experiencing and not let other things cloud it. Not try to analyze it. Not try to figure out what it is. Just let it be, experience the fucking emotions, and then…

Thirdly, I drink some water.

The action I do take is simple. My fingers are itching to do anything but nothing, and although my first two steps are literally… do nothing – if I give myself any more time I’ll end up skating over the whole damn thing. So, I do something simple. I get myself a glass of water.

The uncomfortable is now my friend, as much as the joy and happiness that I feel throughout my day and my weeks. Hell, my years. The uncomfortable is a big part of it, and when I feel myself fearing what I might discover sitting through the uncomfortable, I do these three things.

Simple nothings that allow me to not get distracted.

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Someone once said to me, joy is fleeting. You can’t sustain joy. You rise up to it but you must come down. Nobody functions in a constant state of joy, it’s impossible. All the emotions leading up to joy and down from it are as important to the experience as the joy itself. That end goal, that end emotion. It’s unrealistic to think of your life in only the joyful moments. So, embrace and love every fucking part of it all.

Are you sitting in the uncomfortable right now? Comments or questions? Leave in the comments below!

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