Just Love Yourself BAMFs · Self Love

It’s ok to not be fucking ready already

IMG_6687

I found myself late 2017 in a situation I thought I was ready for. I really wanted to be ready for it, I had convinced myself that I was. I’m even having a hard time trying to type out exactly what it was that I was ready for. This tells you how NOT READY I was for it, that even putting it into words has caused me to use my usual “I’ll just fly to Ireland and buy a pub and live my days drinking beer and yelling at the locals” line, to avoid the whole uncomfortable affair.

Emotional avoidance. Definition, avoid anything that makes you feel.

ALRIGHT. FINE. I’LL SAY IT. It has to do with a… *cough*romantic*cough* relationship – although I wouldn’t even call this a relationship it was mere dating. Because I was smart enough to know I wasn’t ready for that, whatever THAT is. The word relationship could barely come out of my mouth, I would swallow and gasp and choke on my beer before letting it leave my lips. But, to be someones girl? It’s not that I want to not be someones girl because I want to be lots of someones girls… that makes sense, right? It’s really because I don’t want to be anyones girl because last time I was someones girl all hell broke loose and I ended up in 4 different cities in the span of 5 years looking for what I had lost when in actuality what I had lost was myself.

I found myself eventually. There is a happy ending to that story.

IMG_6245

I’m pretty great at being single. Honestly, I fucking love it. I literally can do whatever I want when I want. I find myself able to be so much more selfless because 95% of the time I can be selfish, it affects no one but myself. This whole self care thing isn’t something I even need to give a second thought because I have nothing else to balance but myself.

I thrive on my own.  I have a tight knit group of friends, I flirt, I go out, I have potential interests that never really turn into anything but are fun to entertain. I’ve started to really hone in on what I want in my home life, in my work life, and in my family and friend life. It’s all very safe and within my own control and comfort. So, obviously I’ve always avoided my personal… romantic life – it’s like that word you see on a page that you don’t know how to pronounce so you just skip over it every time.

At the beginning of 2017 I said to myself “Celestial, you should really stop skipping that word and learn how to pronounce it.”

It wasn’t even intentional. It kind of crept up on me. I think that’s how it’s suppose to happen, you just enjoy someones company so much you keep wanting to hang out with them. Each time you hang out it becomes more interesting and comforting and than one thing leads to another.

Unexpectedly you both find yourselves looking at each other not really knowing how you got there. Did you notice how I immediately pushed this onto you? And stopped saying ‘I’… 

You think the best path is what society says you should do.

First off, whenever you think you should do what society is telling you to do ABORT.

This means you aren’t looking what’s right in front of you and unique to your situation.

This means you aren’t listening to yourself.

Let’s get back to ‘I’. I was ‘ready’ to explore something with this someone. I felt safe, excited, and comforted all in one breath and enjoyed every moment I was with them; even the ‘bad’ ones. Notice, I haven’t even said that word I can’t pronounce yet.

Unfortunately for this someone and I, he had his own set of unpronounceable words and didn’t want to learn how to say any of them yet.

I sat in a confused blob for a good while. This is common for me, I confuse pretty easily, just not usually on this level. I sat in this confused blob because I thought I – we – had been ‘ready’. After all we were just having fun, and yet now I want nothing to do with any of it romantically.

It’s January 2018 and I still don’t know how to pronounce it. I understand the definition of the word and I am figuring out the components. But I’m not ready to try and say it out loud yet.

IMG_5925

What I’ve noticed with people when you’re single, the quick fix for everything is you either need to go out on a date or have a good fuck. That’s what a lot of my friends have been telling me. Get on tinder, OkCupid, or whatever other online ‘quick fix’ dating app there is and GO OUT.

I wanna be clear, you should do whatever makes you happy and I don’t care if that means a dating app or go to a bar or whatever. But I’m talking about what works for me and I don’t really respond well to those things.

I like bars but for drinking.

All this pressure from friends, all it did was make me feel incredibly anxious all the time and pretty damn undesirable. Then, my bffle – bestie – sister from another mister – my best friend said to me…

Celestial, it’s ok if you don’t wanna date people right now and just do you.

It is? But I told myself I was ready. I should be ready! Everyone is telling me that if someone doesn’t love me there must be something wrong with ME, right?

I wasn’t really thinking that. But the stem of the thought was there, and if the stem was there it means it could potentially grow into the thought itself. So, I paused.

People can change their minds. I could change my mind. I could be ‘ready’ and than not be ‘ready’ within an hour or within a few weeks. It doesn’t matter, what matters is that I’m listening to myself.

I breathed. And I allowed myself to be ok with not being ‘ready’ right now. I felt like a wave of relief flooded over my entire body. After weeks of being a confused blob and trying to force something that wasn’t there to be forced, I finally felt safe again. I finally felt like I was listening to what I needed.

What I’ve learned from this experience is, I’m now open. I’m open to the word, I’m open to connecting to the word, and maybe I’ll be able to say the word out loud one day. Right now though, I’m ok with just seeing it on the page and acknowledging it as something I want, not as something I need.

IMG_6268

 

 

 

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s