Self Love

When too much is not enough.

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I’ve always been proud of being a Duffy. My mums parents, my granny and grandad, are the Duffy side of the family. I was in England years ago visiting my grandparents, young and head over heals in love. My ex and I had nothing in common and struggled from the beginning of our relationship, but that didn’t matter because I was ‘in love’.

Anything could work if you loved it, right?

I remember being in my grandparents living room, my granny was sitting in her usual armchair watching ‘Count Down’ on the television. My grandad had wobbled over to the kitchen and was doing his nightly duty of washing the dishes.

My granny looked at me during one of the commercial breaks and said simply “You love him, don’t you?”

I nodded. See, my families English and we don’t really talk emotions. “Yeah.”

She nodded in return, studied me for a moment, then turned back to the television before saying…

“Duffy’s, when we fall in love that’s all we see. It’s hard and fast and impossible to get out of. When we love, we love forever.”

Well, that’s fucking fantastic.

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At the time I thought it was insanely romantic. Now, I just have to be insanely careful with my heart.

Because even though it’s hard for me to fall in love with you, the moment I do it’s beyond impossible for me to un-love you.

Because of this, I’ve always thought I was too much. I don’t know how to play the game of not caring, because to me caring is all I have. But not caring gives you the most power? You’re the one least likely to get hurt, because at the end of the day you don’t give a fuck.

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If I walked away, you wouldn’t miss me.

When I sit there watching you walk away and I so openly miss you. I openly jump at the chance to see you, talk to you, spend time with you… I’m the one who’s weak, who’s lost all the power, who ends up at the end of the night sitting by myself wanting to just watch some dumbass shit on YouTube with you.

Have you ever seen the TV show scrubs?

I NEED noise in the background of everything I do or else I go insane. I’m a little better now about finding silence, but on the occasions I can’t do it; one of my choice background noise shows is ‘Scrubs’ – there was a good period of my twenties where I was convinced I was going to marry Zach Braff. In the first season, I think it was even the first episode, JD (Zach Braff) races Elliot (Sarah Chalke) up the stair well and through the hall way of the hospital to the song ‘I Want You To Want Me’ by Cheap Trick

I can’t not put a YouTube clip to the scene right HERE.

It’s brilliantly simple. I’ve had it running through my head for months now.

Maybe I’m not strong enough to walk away. I don’t like endings, especially when I was the one not ready for it to end. With all these unanswered questions of ‘why?’, I end up having to make the hardest choice and walk away while answering them all myself.

It’s the not walking away what’s too much. It’s not that I’m not enough. It’s not that I won’t give up. And it’s especially not that I can’t ever un-love you.

What’s too much is thinking that any of this is too much, is not enough. Because all of it is okay, all of it is a process, all of it will make everything else better in the end. All of it is what I need to become stronger, to care more, to love more, and give as little fucks as possible about what anyone else thinks about it.

Everyone always tells you that loving yourself is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. They forget to tell you that loving someone else is even harder.

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