I am not defined by my grief.
I’m not going to bore you with the details of grief. Those of you who have/are experiencing it know what I’m talking about, and those of you who haven’t just listen and understand. We know you won’t quite, but the gesture of trying and sitting in silence – or just making me laugh- with those who are grieving is more powerful than words.
Just know, we are in here – alive and well – screaming to get out of this fuzzy brain of ours to our… I was going to say old selves, but I’ll never be that again. I will, however, be a new self.
I’ll lead with this.
I wrote this the day after my dad’s memorial service. Which was April 4th, 2019. – my dad was a poet, see. It only felt natural to write something …
It’s Friday, your memorial was yesterday. It was really beautiful. Everyone you loved was there, standing together in solidarity as we watched you go. We bought you so many flowers, let some yellow balloons go for you.
That’s scary as fuck, by the way. Seeing you get buried.
This weight follows me. The air malleable as I reach desperately for your frame. A frame that’ll never really be, just touching the air ever so slightly.
Yet it is suffocating.
Yet it is something I don’t want to leave.
Yet it is you telling me you’re here.
Yet none of this is real.
None of this is real. None of this is real. None of this is real. None of this is real.
Whisper to me. Blankets of security. But if this is not real then I live in this constant cycle of non-reality. If this is not real.
That was a little over two months ago now. I don’t know how else to say this but…
Every single day is hard, however I’m genuinely doing really good.
Counter intuitive, I know. I’ve been half ass-ing my wellness for the past year or so, doing almost enough but not enough. When something this traumatic happens you latch on to things you have control over, and for me that has always been my physical health.
So, I took a mental break from most media. Gave myself time limits and guidelines. Surrounded myself with only true and good people while the others naturally waded their own ways out. I began my journey into a full non-toxic skin and makeup routine. I went back to my usual ways of daily cooking. I dyed my hair pink…
So, I’m genuinely doing really good – it’s just that it takes a lot more work to be doing really good under these circumstances.
And I can’t waver. I won’t waver. Because I genuinely love doing really good, hell it feels good.
My point is, I’m not defined by my grief. So, I hope you can forgive my absence in the last year or so as I’ve battled (and continue to battle) through it. I appreciate all of those who have reached out in any and all ways. I have lost friends who I carelessly held too close to my heart and I have discovered friends I didn’t even realize I had so closely in my inner circle. Now it’s time to make up for some time well spent —
I was going to say some lost time, but no time is lost. It is all a stepping stone to who we are and who we want to be.
The Just Love Yourself Project is shifting, it will be continually shifting to suit whatever needs are present.
I am launching my business full fledged, under my own name Celestial Zenith – also, don’t forget to follow me on Instagram! I’ll be blogging about it all intermittently as I work on becoming a full-time business owner 💪🏼💁♀️🤪
You all fucking rock my world.